"Hands Where I Can See 'Em," "Staff Infection," And "Law And Orber": Three Even Newer Drabbles

So, clearly I'm on a fiction-writing kick here lately. Here are three more 100-word drabbles I just wrote. I have three more ready to post in the coming days as well. Bear with me while I'm being creative, and not just compiling funny stuff for your entertainment. I'm a writer, which means that every now and then I will actually write something. Hope you'll enjoy reading these...

"HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE 'EM"

The doorbell rang on an otherwise dull Wednesday. Opening the door, I was startled to see a policeman standing on my stoop. 

"Can I help you, Officer?" I said. 

"Wilbur Cavendish?" he asked. 

"Yes," I replied. 

Just then, my hip started itching. I reached to scratch it. Simultaneously, I extended my other hand backward to invite the officer inside. 

"Don't move!" he shouted. 

I yelped. 

"Hands where I can see 'em!" he screamed. 

I raised both hands in surrender. Seconds later, I was facing the wall as my hands were being cuffed. 

I knew I should've taken that Benadryl earlier.

"STAFF INFECTION"

The Corporate Weekend Retreat originally planned for this Friday and Saturday has been rescheduled due to pandemic apathy. Employees are encouraged to get plenty of bed rest, drink lots of fluids, and think about what's really important to them – one lousy weekend, or their jobs. Assuming all employees have recovered in time, the Weekend Retreat will be held next Friday and Saturday at the same place and time as originally planned. Remember, per company policy, that having a social life, spending time with family, etc. are luxuries, not privileges. The employee's responsibility is always first and foremost to the job.

"LAW AND ORBER"

Orber Moreno had made a decent living playing professional baseball – he was no millionaire, but he was doing alright. At age 39, he knew he was approaching the end. He'd often thought about what he would do when his playing days were over. Maybe he'd become a pitching coach – if anybody wanted him. Perhaps he'd go into real estate; lots of athletes did, and being bilingual is always a plus in that field. But the idea that intrigued him most was becoming a Supreme Court Justice. Orber knew it would be tough, but he'd always dreamed big. Why stop now?

Words I Wish I Wrote: 20 Thought-Provoking And Laugh-Inducing Quotes About Politics

No preamble necessary. Here we go...


1)  "One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors."  ~  Plato, philosopher


2)  "If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara Desert, in five years there'd be a shortage of sand."  ~  Milton Friedman, economist


3)  "Let us not seek the Republican answer or the Democratic answer, but the right answer. Let us not seek to fix the blame for the past. Let us accept our own responsibility for the future."  ~  John F. Kennedy, President


4)  "If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal."  ~  Emma Goldman, political activist


5)  "Those who stand for nothing fall for anything."  ~  Alexander Hamilton, Founding Father


6)  "Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself."  ~  Mark Twain, writer


7)  "If we don't believe in freedom of expression for people we despise, we don't believe in it at all."  ~  Noam Chomsky, philosopher


8)  "A fool and his money are soon elected."  ~  Will Rogers, humorist


9)  "The darkest places in hell are reserved for those who maintain their neutrality in times of moral crisis."  ~  Dante Alighieri, poet


10)  "Any American who is prepared to run for President should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so."  ~  Gore Vidal, writer


11)  "Only government can take perfectly good paper, cover it with perfectly good ink, and make the combination worthless."  ~  Milton Friedman, economist


12)  "Politics have no relation to morals."  ~  Niccolo Macchiavelli, writer


13)  "Always vote for principle, though you may vote alone, and you may cherish the sweetest reflection that your vote is never lost."  ~  John Quincy Adams, President


14)  "Politics is war without bloodshed, while war is politics with bloodshed."  ~  Mao Tse-Tung, Chinese politician


15)  "If we desire respect for the law, we must first make the law respectable."  ~  Louis D. Brandeis, Supreme Court justice


16)  "Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money even to be defeated."  ~  Will Rogers, humorist


17)  "America's present need is not heroics but healing; not nostrums but normalcy; not revolution but restoration."  ~  Warren G. Harding, President


18)  "Democracy is being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least."  ~  Robert Byrne, politician


19)  "Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation."  ~  Henry A. Kissinger, Secretary of State


20)  "Bad politicians are sent to Washington by good people who don't vote."  ~  William E. Simon, Secretary of Treasury

Weird Things People Are Afraid Of

I enjoy watching horror movies. (A lot.) I also read quite a few horror novels and some pretty gruesome mysteries and thrillers. So I'm not someone who's easily scared. That's not to say that I'm not afraid of anything. Because there are a few things I'm scared of.

I'm not acrophobic (afraid of heights), nyctophobic (afraid of the dark), or particularly arachnophobic (afraid of spiders). I don't suffer from glossophobia (fear of speaking in public), mysophobia (fear of germs), murophobia (fear of mice/rats), or even trypanophobia (fear of needles/injections).

I'm probably a little hoplophobic (afraid of firearms), but only because I don't know enough about weapons to feel confident or safe around them. I am slightly necrophobic (afraid of death), but not because of where I'm going – I'm more afraid of the experience of dying, especially of an extremely painful death. Now that we're expecting a child, even though I personally won't be the one giving birth, I'm also slightly tokophobic (afraid of childbirth). Even though I never knew there was a name for it, I guess I've always been a little taphophobic, too (afraid of being buried alive) – there's probably a direct correlation between this one and all the horror fiction I've read. But above anything else, I would say that I suffer the most from phobophobia (the fear of having a phobia) – just knowing that I could suddenly develop an irrational yet irrepressible fear of some random thing – like pickles, for example – is enough to make me incredibly paranoid.

There are, however, a number of phobias which I do not suffer from, and which – to be quite honest – I can't understand why anyone would suffer from. But apparently they do, and there are even clinical (though not universally recognized) names for these phobias to further legitimize them. From a plethora of "weird phobias," I present the following list:

1)  Chaetophobia – fear of hair.  Chaetophobiacs may fear human or animal hair, or both. Often, the fear is generated by a person or animal with excessive amounts of hair. A chaetophobic person may also fear their own body hair. Some chaetophobiacs only fear detached or loose hair. As with many phobias, chaetophobia is often the result of a previous negative experience with an excessively hairy person or animal, or a horrifying encounter with a clump of clipped hair in one's past.

2)  Anthophobia – fear of flowers.  Although people who suffer from this fear generally understand that flowers pose no actual threat to them – either through violence inflicted on their person by said flowers, or by potential diseases that could be contracted through direct contact with them – anthophobiacs invariably experience anxiety at the sight or thought of flowers. Sometimes it is not the flower itself that causes this intense fear, but the petals or the stem of the flower.

3)  Emetophobia – fear of vomiting.  The exact nature of emetophobia varies from person to person. Some have a fear of vomiting in public, while others fear the sight of vomit, and still others fear becoming nauseated while watching someone else vomit. This is actually the fifth most common of all recognized phobias, and can be triggered at any time and at any age, and is not specific to a gender or demographic. Interestingly enough, most emetophobiacs rarely, if ever, actually vomit themselves.

4)  Bovinophobia – fear of cattle.  People suffering from bovinophobia can experience severe anxiety and even panic attacks when in the presence of cows. Often, a bovinophobic person has had a bad experience with a cow in the past, while others simply hold a strong belief that a cow or bull will charge them if they get too close to it.

5)  Gephyrophobia – fear of bridges.  Oftentimes, a gephyrophobiac is not just afraid of bridges. Bridges are but one part of a larger set of fears which comprise the individual's anxiety disorder. This serious disorder has caused the New York Thruway Authority, the Maryland Transportation Authority, and the Mackinac Bridge Authority all to offer a service in which they will drive the cars of gephyrophobiacs across their respective bridges (provided that the sufferer will call in advance to arrange for this service). Apparently, thousands of drivers take advantage of this free program each year.

6)  Ephebiphobia – fear of teenagers.  Not yet officially being a parent – in particular, not being a parent of a teenage child – I cannot fathom this fear just yet. But if you are, or have been, the parent of a teenager, you may have experienced this particular fear. In all seriousness, this "fear" is better described as an "inaccurate, exaggerated, and sensational characterization of young people." So, instead of actual fear, it's more like, well...prejudice against teenagers. I can't fathom that one, either.

7)  Agyrophobia – fear of crossing the road.  Crossing the road never bothered the chicken, or even The Beatles. But apparently, this is a legitimate phobia which many people suffer from. Agyrophobiacs fear that crossing roads will cause bodily harm to themselves, even when no actual threat is posed (i.e., the coast is clear).

8)  Chromophobia – fear of bright colors.  I can't find a whole lot of information about this one, but I'm pretty sure I've encountered a few people who suffer from this. Pretty much everyone who identifies with the "goth" style of all-black-everything, including hair and lip color, at least seems to be chromophobic. Then there's your death metal bands, who aren't exactly known for wearing chartreuse tank tops or pastel pink pants...

9)  Omphalophobia – fear of bellybuttons.  In particular, this phobia describes someone who is afraid of having their bellybutton touched or tugged on by themselves or someone else. Omphalophobic people are also often afraid of seeing other people touch their own bellybutton. Some omphalophobiacs are okay with seeing an untouched navel, while others may become nauseous from just seeing a picture of a navel. Hopefully you're not one of the latter, because you're about to see a picture of a bellybutton. Sorry!

10)  Papaphobia – fear of the Pope.  Papaphobia is more fully described as an intense fear or dread of the Pope, or of the Roman Catholic Church. I'm guessing this has more than a little to do with the guilt trips the RCC is constantly putting on its followers (or so I've heard from people in the know). It certainly can't be an actual fear of some harmless old man, can it? Well, I don't know...

11)  Oikophobia – fear of household appliances.  This particular phobia specifically refers to an aversion to one's home surroundings, but can also be used more generally to denote an abnormal fear of the contents of one's house, including household appliances, equipment, bathtubs, household chemicals, and other common objects in the home. This must be what some husbands who refuse to help out around the house suffer from...conveniently. (I'm not one of them, though.)

12)  Tetraphobia – fear of the number 4.  This particular phobia is very common in East Asia and Southeast Asia. That's because in the Chinese, Japanese, Korean, and Vietnamese languages, the word for "four" sounds very similar to – and is, in some cases, identical to – the word for "death." This superstitious fear is so prevalent in many countries in that region of the world, that any floor number containing the number 4 (the 14th, 24th, or 40th floor, for example) is often skipped in buildings, including in hotels, office buildings, apartments, and especially hospitals. Weird...but true!

"Chicken, The Queasy 'Dillo," "Nervous Rex," And "Picnic Astronomy": Three New Drabbles

I felt like writing some more fiction today. So sue me! These particular 100-word stories originated from titles I came up with during a brainstorming session awhile back. Sometimes, a good title is all I need to get myself writing, so I try to think of new ones as often as I can, and file them away until I need inspiration. Hope you will enjoy reading these.

"CHICKEN, THE QUEASY 'DILLO"

Chicken, the armadillo, was trying desperately not to upchuck when his uncle, Arbogast, showed up. 

"What's kickin', Chicken?" quipped Arbogast.

"I don't feel so good," replied Chicken. "I think it was the chicken." 

"But you're the chicken, Chicken," said Arbogast. 

"I'm talking about the chicken I ate," grumbled Chicken. 

"You are what you eat," countered Arbogast. 

"Then I'm a spoiled chicken," answered Chicken. 

"I could've told you that," said Arbogast. "You always were a bit of a brat." 

"Now you're calling me a sausage?" asked Chicken. 

"What?" said Arbogast. 

"Never mind," replied Chicken. "Let's just say I'm sick of myself."

"NERVOUS REX"

I can do this! All I have to do is go over there and introduce myself. I'll say, "Hi, I'm Rex. What's your name?" Simple, right? So why am I still standing here? Because she's beautiful and popular and smart, that's why. And I'm ugly, and unpopular, and stupid. At least that's what everyone else says. I don't think I'm that stupid. Well, so what if I am? Does that mean I can't go up and say "hello"? Of course not! And that's just what I'm gonna do! As soon as my hands stop shaking. Maybe tomorrow. Or next week.

"PICNIC ASTRONOMY"

Betsy and I went picnicking at midnight last night. I had to sneak out of the house, because Dad doesn't want me out after dark. Dad was sitting on the couch watching baseball; well, let me rephrase that – he was sleeping through a baseball game. I crept past him real quiet-like. Betsy was waiting at the clearing in the woods with chips and sodas. I'd brought the blanket. Once we saw a shooting star, but I insisted it was an exploding planet. I still think I was right, but neither of us can prove it. After all, we're no astronomers.

Halfway Here (20 Weeks And Counting...)

Dear Baby Hill,

You're halfway here! In just 20 weeks -- maybe more, maybe less -- you will arrive, and we'll finally get to see your face. And the rest of you. Apparently, you're shy right now, because the other week when we tried to see whether you are a boy or a girl, you were covered just enough to remain ambiguous. You probably don't know what that word "ambiguous" means, and you probably won't for some time. But don't worry, your dad will teach you that word and many, many others. You see, your dad is a "word nerd." He loves words of all shapes, sizes, and origins. In fact, he uses his love of words to help provide for you and your mom. Your mom is a teacher. She teaches little rugrats about science. Sometimes they listen, sometimes they don't, and a lot of times they talk too much. Your dad doesn't know a whole lot about science, but your mom can teach you plenty, once you're ready to hear about it. Don't worry, that won't be for awhile yet, and neither will the vocabulary lessons. First, we've got to get you here, and then figure out what to do with you. We've been waiting a long time for you to arrive, much longer than just 20 weeks. In fact, your mom and dad have been waiting and praying for you to come for more than 6 years now. I know you don't know your numbers yet, either, but that's a long, long time. There were many times when we didn't know if you would ever come. We hoped that wouldn't be the case, but we didn't know for sure. We went to see the doctors to ask them why you weren't on the way just yet. They did some tests, and tried to figure it out. Finally, they told us they couldn't figure out any reason why you shouldn't be able to show up on their little picture screens at any time. We guess God figured that we weren't ready just yet. To tell you the truth, we don't feel like we're ready now. But you're on the way, you'll be here sooner than we can imagine, and we'll just have to get ready. We were very glad to see you on the picture screens the other week at the doctor's office. Your mom can't feel you moving around in there just yet, but we could see you doing so on the screen. We heard your heartbeat again -- you sound healthy. The lady who was administering (that's a fancy word that just means "running") the test said that, as far as she could tell, everything about you looks healthy, too. We were very happy to hear that. Your mom is doing pretty good, but she doesn't sleep too well these days. It's not your fault, you're just doing what you're supposed to do, growing a little more each day and preparing to make your debut. But the many changes that are going on in your mom's body now can cause her to be uncomfortable sometimes, and that makes sleeping through the night difficult. But she knows -- even if she has to remind herself of it every now and then -- that it will be worth it when you get here. The sleepless nights, the pain, and all of that may not go away completely right after you arrive, but at least you'll be here with your mom and dad, and that will automatically make it better. Today's your mom's birthday. Don't worry that you didn't get her a gift. You are your gift to her. Your very existence and imminent arrival are absolutely enough for now. That, and maybe a good night's sleep. We are so incredibly excited to meet you in just four-and-a-half months or so. Until then, you keep growing, and we'll keep waiting.

We love you!

Your Mom and Dad

Unnecessary Music Review: Leo Kottke's "6- & 12-String Guitar" Album

Leo Kottke's 6- & 12-String Guitar instrumental album was originally released in 1969, to widespread critical acclaim. The album was Kottke's second one and would remain his most popular release. So why am I reviewing this album now, some 40-plus years later?

Because I've always wanted to do a music review, but didn't know how to do it. So I decided to give it a whirl with an album I'd never heard before. I hadn't even heard of the artist. I just picked it up off the CD shelf at random from my local library and decided to do a review of it. So here goes nothing...

The YouTube video below is an upload of the entire 6- & 12-String Guitar album, in case you'd like to listen to the songs while reading my review. If you don't want to, that's cool too. I've done my very best to describe the songs in my own words (since there are no words in the songs).

Track 1 ~ "The Driving Of The Year Nail" --  This song starts off well but gets a little repetitive toward the middle, and then again near the end. Not bad, but seems like it could have been better. An obligatory chord strum at the end of the song makes it just a little trite for my tastes.


Track 2 ~ "The Last Of The Arkansas Greyhounds" -- This one starts off really stripped down, like Kottke's practicing his chords, but then he really gets going, and it's fairly awesome. There's a nice peaceful interlude smack-dab in the middle of the song that, frankly, makes you want to be in front of a campfire singing "Kumbaya." The latter half of the song takes a bit darker turn, a la early Metallica (albeit acoustic), before Kottke returns to the wonky-sounding "chord practicing" to conclude the song.


Track 3 ~ "Ojo" -- The song starts off calm and plaintive; you can easily imagine yourself riding down a country road on the bed of a pickup truck on your way to anywhere. The song takes on a slightly darker tone toward the latter half, but promptly turns cheerful again at the end -- and you're back on that pickup truck.


Track 4 ~ "Crow River Waltz" -- Well, it's called a waltz, and it certainly feels like one. Kottke's guitar here sounds almost clavichord-like -- imagine yourself in full Victorian attire waltzing in the grand salon of a stately country home north of London. The tune would easily be at home on the soundtrack of a BBC production of a Jane Austen novel, which is a testament to both its modern, accessible sound and its classic widespread appeal.


Track 5 ~ "The Sailor's Grave On The Prairie" -- This one definitely has a sea shanty feel to it. Kottke's numerous slides throughout the song give it a nostalgic feel. I would listen to this one while going through my grandmother's hope chest, for example -- looking at pictures of her and my grandfather when they were much younger.


Track 6 ~ "Vaseline Machine Gun" -- This song starts with a subtle, slightly varied rendition of "Taps," then transitions into a rollicking, foot-tapping hoedown-like number. Admittedly, this is an odd mix of musical sounds and feelings. Toward the middle, Kottke gets downright rock-and-roll-ish, and I have to say, it's pretty awesome! This is my favorite track off the album so far. I've been taken on a roller coaster of sounds and emotions, and I'm really confused, but I know that I like it. A lot. (Though it could've done without the end strum.)


Track 7 ~ "Jack Fig" -- This one's similar sonically to the first and third tracks on the album; it's somewhat repetitive and none too exciting, but no less technically proficient than any of the other songs. The song picks up nicely towards the end, but still doesn't manage to break out of that "been there, done that" sound or feel.


Track 8 ~ "Watermelon" -- This is another one of those back-of-the-pickup-on-a-country-road songs, but that's not a bad thing. This one sounds and feels like summertime. It has a nice toe-tapping rhythm that you could easily get lost in (and I did). It may not vary a lot throughout, but the sound was so pleasant that I didn't want the track (or the imagined country road) to end. My second favorite song so far.


Track 9 ~ "Jesu, Joy Of Man's Desiring" -- Being quite familiar with this song, I came into it with certain expectations of how it "ought" to sound. I was not disappointed. Kottke retains the integrity of the original tune while giving it some layering and flourishes of his own. Very nicely done!


Track 10 ~ "The Fisherman" -- This one definitely fits its title. It would be a very appropriate song to play in the background of  a movie or TV show in which a father and son walk to the pond to go fishing (think Andy and Opie Taylor, minus the whistling). The song has a classic bluegrass feel to it. It would make a great theme song for one of those North Carolina-based PBS programs they show on Saturday mornings. If you've watched much PBS, you'll know the ones I'm talking about.


Track 11 ~ "The Tennessee Toad" -- This track starts off very bluesy, real earthy-sounding. Kottke's frequent bends add to that sound without being overdone or distracting. This song would be very much at home in a Coen Brothers film (look 'em up if you don't know who I'm talking about), or maybe an episode of The Dukes Of Hazzard  (in a scene involving Uncle Jesse).


Track 12 ~ "Busted Bicycle" -- The song starts off energetically and stays that way. It has a very rock-and-roll or outlaw country sound to it. If you don't tap your foot to this one, you may not have a pulse. Kottke takes some nice twists and turns throughout here, so the song never gets boring. My third favorite song on the album.


Track 13 ~ "The Brain Of The Purple Mountain" -- This one starts off a little dissonant (on purpose), and actually I wish it didn't. It's way too slow of a song to follow the previous one, and it's frankly one of the biggest disappointments on the whole album. This song just seems like it doesn't belong here at all.


Track 14 ~ "Coolidge Rising" -- Now we're talking! Here, Kottke returns to the rollicking rhythm with touches of rock-and-roll at which he truly excels. Not a ton of variation from start to finish in this song, but it sounds so good that it doesn't even matter all that much. This track is a good, upbeat way to end the album, though I wouldn't actually have minded a nice end strum here. The abrupt ending seems just that: abrupt.




Postscript:  If you enjoyed reading this music review, please "Like" it on Facebook, or comment here, so I'll know if I did a halfway decent job and should try to do more of these, or let me know if I stunk it up big-time and should quit while I'm (not) ahead. Thanks! ~ JPH

"Judas And Jezebel," "You, Under Stan," And "Of Lice And Lynn": Three Strange Drabbles

It's been awhile since I've written any fiction, so I figured it was about time. Conveniently, the inspiration for some stories coincided with my desire to write stories (the two don't always mesh like you want them to), and – voilà! – here you go. Three strange drabbles from my very strange mind. Enjoy!

"JUDAS AND JEZEBEL"

Theirs was a love affair built entirely on misfortune. His parents never wanted him in the first place, giving him up when he was less than a week old – but not before they cursed him with a name that was quite literally the kiss of death. She was misunderstood from the beginning. Born with a scowl on her face that was probably just gas, she was given a name coveted by none and reviled by many. They found each other in late July, both despondent and disbelieving. Love followed in early August. In September, they died in each other's arms.

"YOU, UNDER STAN"

I was sorting through the piles of rubble that had once been our office building, hoping to see any familiar face that had not been crushed under the falling debris. The first person I recognized was Stan Hopper. I checked his pulse for signs of life but found none. Suddenly, I heard a groan in Stan's general direction. I jumped back and squinted at Stan's lifeless body. Impossible! Then I noticed a small, pathetic-looking figure pinned beneath Stan's corpse. It was you! I couldn't believe my eyes. You'd survived! It was then that I realized I'd always loved you.

"OF LICE AND LYNN"

Balthasar had bought the ring two days earlier. It was the perfect blend of cut, color, clarity, and shape – so the jeweler had told him. He harbored no doubts that Lynn would say "yes." They'd been talking about marriage since their third date. She'd even picked out a dress at a bridal shop – Lynn's brother had told him so. Balthasar's only concern was what Lynn would do when he revealed his secret to her. It was such a little thing really. Well, hundreds of little things. But with time and proper treatment, they could conquer anything – together! – even head lice.