36 People Who Are Already More Successful At My Age Than I Will Ever Be

I know it's self-defeating to compare yourself to other people, because everyone is different, and what truly defines success is completely subjective. But it's my birthday and I feel like deflating my already flimsy ego a bit, so here goes nothing. Don't take it too seriously – my tongue is planted firmly in cheek as I write this – but still...  ~  JH

Karina Smirnoff:  She was the 

Season 13 winner on Dancing With

The Stars. I wasn't. And never will be.

Chad Johnson (aka Chad Ocho Cinco):  

He's a six-time Pro Bowl wide receiver.

I'm not. And I never will be.

Ashton Kutcher:  He's starred in not one

but two successful TV sitcoms as well as countless

movies. I haven't even visited Hollywood.

James Franco:  He's won a Golden

Globe and been nominated for an

Oscar. In his spare time, he teaches 

courses on short film production 

and screenwriting. I write 

about clothes for a living.

Erin Andrews:  She's been a sportscaster,

journalist, and TV personality who's worked

for ESPN, Fox Sports, and Good Morning

America. I just watch SportsCenter every day.

Shawn Marion:  He won an NBA

championship with the Dallas Mavericks

in 2011. I've flown into the Dallas/

Fort Worth airport a couple of times.

Laetitia Casta:  She's regarded 

as one of the most beautiful 

supermodels in the world. I'm not.

Barry Zito:  He parlayed a Cy

Young award into a 7-year, 

$126 million contract. I...

don't make nearly that much.

Brian Urlacher:  He played for 13 years

in the NFL, winning Rookie of the Year, 

Defensive Player of the Year, and was

elected to Pro Bowls. I've watched him

play on television. That's about it.

Benji Gregory:  He was on ALF. I would

have given my right eye to be on ALF.

Bill Hader:  He was a regular cast member

of Saturday Night Live. He's been in a string of

successful comedies. I crack lame jokes on my blogs.

Joshua Jackson & Anna Torv:  The stars of

TV's über-fascinating sci-fi drama, Fringe.

Watching it on Netflix is about as close as I'll

ever get to experiencing that level of cool.

Dirk Nowitzki:  He's a 12-time

All-Star, former MVP, and one-

time NBA champ. He's considered

one of the greatest power forwards

in NBA history. I shoot bricks. A lot.

Zoe Saldana:  She's been in two 

Star Trek films, as well as in 

Avatar. I've...seen those films.

Champ Bailey:  A 12-time Pro Bowler

who's widely regarded as one of the

best pass defenders in NFL history. 

I'm widely regarded as one of the

best gas passers in my household.

Aramis Ramírez:  He's hit over

350 homeruns and driven in

more than 1,200 runs in his

MLB career. I was 0 for 8 in

my high school baseball "career."

Nicole Scherzinger:  She's very

attractive and sings quite well.

I sing okay, and – well, you 

know what I look like. Ugh!

Topher Grace:  Along with Ashton Kutcher,

he was one of the lead actors on That '70s

Show. I...watched that show a fair bit.

Ben Sheets:  He was a four-time

MLB All-Star and Summer Olympic

gold medalist. Even though he 

blew out his arm at a relatively 

young age, he still had a better 

career than I ever will.

Josh Hartnett:  He's starred in blockbuster

hits such as Pearl Harbor, Black Hawk Down, and

Sin City. I used to have a Blockbuster membership.

Kurt Busch:  Winner of 24 NASCAR Sprint

Cup Series races and the 2004 champion,

Busch gets paid to drive very fast. When 

I do that, all I get are speeding tickets.

Kobe Bryant:  He's a 16-time All-Star,

15-time All-NBA Team, and 12-time

member of the All-Defensive Team.

He's a 5-time NBA champion, 2-time

Finals MVP, a regular-season MVP,

and a surefire future Hall of Famer. I

used to play NBA Jam on my Sega Genesis.

Ed Reed:  A nine-time Pro Bowler,

former NFL Defensive Player of the Year,

and one-time Super Bowl champion, Reed

is considered one of the greatest safeties

of all time in the NFL. I always wear my

safety belt when driving or riding in a car.

Usher:  He's won 8 American Music

Awards, 20 Billboard Music Awards,

8 Grammys, and 2 MTV Video Music

Awards, among countless other honors.

I once served as an usher for the

Summer Theatre program at ECU.

John Lackey:  Despite being infamous

for his surly demeanor and his habit

of drinking beer and eating fried

chicken during his own team's games,

this guy has won 138 games in the big

leagues and has two World Series rings

to show for it. I've never won anything.

Matthew Morrison:  He portrays the

charismatic glee club teacher on the

hit TV series, Glee. He's appeared in 

numerous Broadway and Off-Broadway

productions. I sing in the shower.

Bubba Watson:  One of the few

left-handed golfers on the PGA

Tour, Bubba won the Masters 

Tournament in 2012. I have never

played a round of golf in my life.

But I am left-handed.

Reggie Wayne:  A six-time Pro Bowl

selection and member of the Colts'

Super Bowl XLI championship team,

Wayne has amassed over 1,000 receptions

and more than 13,500 receiving yards 

during his career. I once worked in the

Receiving Department at Barnes & Noble.

Rachel McAdams:  She's starred in a

number of hit movies such as Mean Girls,

The Notebook, Wedding Crashers,

Sherlock Holmes, and The Vow. I've

seen a lot of hit movies such as these.

Katherine Heigl:  She's starred in

the hit medical drama, Grey's Anatomy,

for which we won a Primetime Emmy.

She's been in a string of hit movies,

most of them romantic comedies.

Let's face it – I can't compete with that.

Mat Kearney:  He's one of the more

talented singer-songwriters in the biz

today. He's won a GMA Dove Award 

and scored 5 top-20 hits on the Adult

Top 40 Chart. I've written a bunch of 

songs I've never sung for anyone

anywhere and probably never will.

Nelly Furtado:  She's an 8-time

Grammy nominee and 2-time

Grammy winner. I'm like a bird.

Vernon Wells:  Despite fizzling

out late in his career (he's still

an active player), Wells has been

a 3-time All-Star, 3-time Gold Glove

winner, and 1-time Silver Slugger

Award winner. He's hit nearly 300

homeruns and driven in almost 1,000

runs over his 14-year career. I have both 

Gold and Silver strands in my beard hair.

Katie Holmes:  She starred in Dawson's

Creek, had a key role in Batman Begins,

and has appeared on Broadway in an

Arthur Miller play. She was also married

to a talented yet insane fellow actor.

I married a talented yet not insane person.

Now this is a comparison that I'm okay with.

Manny Pacquiao:  He's the first and only

eight-division world champion in boxing, in

which he was won ten world titles. He holds an

impressive record of 55 wins (38 by TKO) and 

only 5 losses. He's also served in the House 

of Representatives in his home country 

of The Philippines. I get knocked down, 

but I don't usually get up again.

Per Your Suggestion: "Pet Rock Meets Count Chocula"

This story, suggested by my friend Angela Mageau, was by far the most challenging "crazy title" that's come to life thus far. In point of fact, a fair bit of research was necessary. The brief, yet über-popular "Pet Rock" phenomenon was slightly before my time, and I hadn't seen a Count Chocula TV commercial (or eaten the cereal) in many, many years. So a bit of memory refreshing, as well as some first-time knowledge acquisition, was essential to this story even happening. That being said, it's not actually a "story," per se. More like a dialogue, or perhaps a skit. Whatever it is, I hope you enjoy it, Angela. I hope everyone else does, too.  ~  JH

"PET ROCK MEETS COUNT CHOCULA"

SETTING: 

Therapist's office

CHARACTERS:

Pet Rock (PR):  Think Woody Allen, inanimately speaking

Count Chocula (CC):  One-track mind, speaks in a Transylvanian accent

CC: So, vhat seems to be de problem?

PR:  I don't know exactly. Sometimes I feel like everyone has forgotten about me.

CC: Don't be scared…to tell me more.

PR:  I just feel like I'm being taken for granted.

CC:  Ah, ah, taken for granite! Dat is a super-sweet joke, my friend!

PR: "Granted," not "granite." Sheesh! For someone who's paid to listen to people, you sure don't do a very good job of it.

CC:  My apologies. You are correct. Please continue.

PR:  The thing is, when I was first adopted, back in '75, I thought life as I knew it would forever change. I mean, one minute I was by the creek bed, the next I was in a cardboard box with straw and breathing holes, sitting on a shelf in Woolworth's. And then…

CC:  Yes, go on, please. I am listening.

PR:  It's hard to talk when you're crunching like that.

CC:  Sorry, I vas trying to satisfy de chocolate monster in me, vith a vitamin-charged bowl of double-chocolatey delight, de delicious super-sweet cereal dat I like to call Count Chocula. Named after me, of course. Ah, ah!

PR:  I didn't know these sessions had commercial breaks.

CC:  Dey don't. I am sorry. Please continue.

PR:  As I was saying, then I was adopted by a wonderful little boy whose name was Frank.

CC:  Franken Berry? Dat rascal always tries to find a way to one-up me! Not dis time! Count Chocula vill show him who is de boss!

PR:  Not Franken Berry, you schmuck! Frank. Johnson, if you must know. Now, can I please finish my story?

CC:  I vill not stop you from telling de story. Please, go on.

PR: Well, things were great at first. Frank adopted me, put me right on top of his toy box. Didn't feed me, didn't walk me, didn't bathe me, didn't groom me. Because I didn't need it. I was, as advertised, "the perfect pet."

CC:  Please hold on, just one moment if you vill. I find that I am craving another bowl of delicious chocolate sweeties vith de goblin-good, chocolate-flavored marshmallows. I vill be right back.

PR:  Fine, but I'm deducting this out of your hourly rate.

CC:  Okay, vhere vere we? Oh yes, you…dis Frank kid…perfect pet. Continue, please.

PR:  Anyway, things were going great. He had taught me how to sit, to stay, and even how to roll over – though I had to have a little bit of help with that one. Next he was going to train me to attack, which he said was very much a "team effort." But then one day, about six months after he'd adopted me, Frank just totally lost interest in me.

CC:  Vhat makes you say dat?

PR:  My first clue was when he traded me to his friend, Scooter, for a mood ring and fifty cents.

CC: Ah, de mood rings. I remember dem vell.

PR:  Really? That's all you got out of that?

CC:  I'm sorry. Continue.

PR:  Well, that's about it. Ever since then, I've been traded, sold, stored in an attic – you name it. Last week, I was taken to the landfill and dropped off, after a thrift store couldn't even get rid of me.

CC:  Dat's very sad.

PR:  Tell me about it. What do you think I should do?

CC:  About vhat, exactly?

PR:  If you'd get your face out of your cereal bowl for one second, you might know about "vhat". What am I supposed to do about my feelings of abandonment, about the loneliness that consumes me?

CC:  Do you really vant my honest opinion?

PR:  That's what I'm paying you for, isn't it?

CC:  Presumably, yes.

PR:  Okay, what is your honest opinion? What should I do?

CC:  I think you should kick back…

PR:  Yes…

CC:  Roll up de sleeves…

PR:  Uh-huh…

CC:  And sink your spoon into a monstrously large bowl of de world's super-sweet cereal: Count Chocula!

PR:  Are you kidding me?

CC:  Vhat do you mean, "kidding"? It's a double-chocolatey part of your complete breakfast! How can you go wrong?

PR:  This is hopeless!

CC:  Dere is no hopeless, but dere is chocolate-flavored marshmallows.

PR:  Thank you for your "advice," but I'm going to go jump off a bridge and drown myself now.

CC:  How 'bout a monster for breakfast today?

PR:  No, thank you, I'd rather die.

CC:  But rocks can't die!

PR:  Send me the bill, alright?

CC:  Don't forget, dere's a Mini-Monster toy inside every box. Collect dem all!

PR:  My address is "The Bottom Of The Lake." Goodbye!

CC:  Oh vell, you vin some, you lose some! Now vhere did I put dat box of Count Chocula?

Per Your Suggestion: "Why Mom Never Gave Me Chicken Milk As A Kid"

And now for something completely different (as if the other stories today haven't been far left of center anyway)...a story based on the "crazy title" suggested by my friend, Joseph Holton. Joe and I are kindred spirits in the Way of the Weird, as this title (and the others he suggested which I will later write) will attest. Hope you like this one, Joe. (Everyone else, too.)  ~  JH

"WHY MOM NEVER GAVE ME 
CHICKEN MILK AS A KID"

Why Mom never gave me Chicken Milk as a kid, I'll never know. Because this stuff is awesome! And healthy, too! It's simple enough to make. You take a whole chicken, minus the skin and bones, and drop it in your handy-dandy, albeit massively huge food processor and purée that sucker till it's just a bunch of mush. Add three-quarters of a cup of milk per pound of chicken and simmer in a large sauce pan for 36 minutes. When it's piping hit, you pour an appropriate amount into your favorite frosted mug and you're ready to enjoy it. For those of you who've never experienced the aroma, the taste, the creamy goodness of Chicken Milk, well – I can't really explain it in a way that would do it justice. You just have to try it. Now that I've gotten the hang of it, I'm thinking of branching out into other meat/drink hybrids. Turkey Soda, Hamburger-Aid, and of course, Bacon Water. The possibilities are endless! Chug-a-lug!

Per Your Suggestion: "Rainbow Hamsters vs. Monster Cookies"

This "crazy title" was submitted by Taylor Evans. When I first read her suggestion, I thought, "Oh, boy, what in the world am I going to do with this?" But then I got an idea. And this was it. Hope you like it, Taylor. (Hope everyone else does, too.)  ~  JH

"RAINBOW HAMSTERS VS. MONSTER COOKIES"

The three brightly colored rodents crouched impatiently at the starting line. To their right, the three gargantuan sugary snacks glared menacingly at the track ahead. This was going to be an epic race.

The Rainbow Hamsters – a genetic curiosity, resulting from ordinary house pets being crossbred with crayons – were clearly the underdogs, despite their swift-moving feet. True, they were seriously overmatched in the size department. But size was not everything, they understood.

The Monster Cookies – pathetic mutants themselves, with their dripping fangs, razor-sharp claws, and piercing quills – were poised to win for the fourth year in a row. Their advantage was in the rules of the game – or, to be more precise, its lack of rules.

The starting gun was fired, and the racers were off. Lukas, the youngest of the Rainbow Hamsters, quickly took the lead. But as he rounded the first bend, Glorg – the undisputed leader of the Monster Cookies – took Lukas down with a quill to the hip. Lukas hit the track hard and helplessly rolled off onto the grass, panting and squeaking.

Hundy, a tough but runty Rainbow Hamster, saw Lukas go down but refused to let it stop her. She pressed forward with all her might, determined to win the race. She never saw Pok coming until it was too late. The hideous fanged Monster Cookie sunk his teeth into her neck, and she squealed out in pain. She padded a few steps farther, but no longer had the strength to go on. She slunk off to the grass to lick her wounds.

Glorg and Pok head-butted each other, the Monster Cookie way of congratulating a friend. Cookie crumbles rained down around them, but they didn't seem to notice. Their work here was done. All that remained was to finish the race. Rilpas would make sure that that wouldn't be a problem.

Tila – the oldest Rainbow Hamster, but by no means a pushover – glanced back briefly and sighed as she saw one, then two of her fellow Hamsters defeated by the devilish Monster Cookies. She tried not to let the tears cloud her vision, but couldn't stop them from coming nonetheless. She ran as fast as she could – hardly as speedy as the others, but still – until the finish line was in her sights.

Rilpas, the ugliest and most evil of all the Monster Cookies, let the pitiful little rodent in front of him think that she had a chance. He'd given Tila a head start from the get-go, and allowed the gap to open further once his associates had taken down Lukas and Hundy. Maybe he'd even let her approach the finish line, only to take her out just before she crossed the ribbon. Either way, there was no chance of her winning.

Rilpas glanced back at Glorg and Pok, who were jogging slowly – not caring if they won, as long as the Monster Cookies didn't lose – and gave them a devious smile. Back in front of him, Tila was 20 yards away from the finish line. Time to make his move.

Tila heard the clomp-clomp-clomp of the Monster Cookie's feet advancing toward her at a frightening rate of speed. Just ahead was the finish line. It was not so far. She could make it, couldn't she? Then an idea came to her.

Rilpas was astonished to see the small Rainbow Hamster stop in her tracks. This was going to be easier than he thought. He sneered sadistically as Tila turned to face him. She was smiling. What was this?

Tila tried to hide the shaking that she felt, deep within her. The plastered-on grin must have been convincing, for Rilpas' sneer turned to a look of utter confusion.

A moment before, she'd remembered something about Monster Cookies. Something that neither Lukas nor Hundy would have known. An ancient knowledge, known only by Tila because she was ancient – in Hamster years, at least.

Tila had remembered that – despite their inherent cruelty and outright evil behavior – the Monster Cookies were compulsively polite. Indeed, it was so deeply ingrained in them that they could scarcely control their impulses. And she would use this to her advantage with Rilpas.

She smiled a little harder, confounding Rilpas further, then spoke softly, "After you, Rilpas."

Without even thinking, the Monster Cookie extended a hand toward the finish line, and growled, "No, no. After you. I insist."

"Alright," grinned Tila. And she crossed the finish line.

Rilpas' jaw dropped hard and fast. Glorg and Pok reached him at that moment and stared at him in wonder.

"What was that?" shouted Glorg.

"Yeah," added Pok. "Why'd you let her win?"

"She wanted me to go first. But I insisted that…"

 All three Monster Cookies slapped at their own foreheads furiously, cursing their race for its confounded courtesy, while knowing that there was absolutely nothing they could do about it anyway.

Tila beamed happily as the medal was placed around her neck. Lukas and Hundy flanked her – she mostly supporting them – in victory. This time, the good guys had won.

Per Your Suggestion: "Mario's Slimy Pants"

I had the (probably insane) idea yesterday to have my (wonderfully creative) Facebook friends suggest some crazy titles from which I might be able to write (somewhat coherent) stories. 

The response was pretty good (if slightly overwhelming), and I am now committed to the task of coming up with what promises to be some truly weird (probably insane) stuff. That's okay. I'm up for the challenge. (I might as well be, right?) 

First up, an original poem – sorry, not a story, per se, though it does tell a tale of sorts – based on a "crazy title" which was submitted by Cade and Claire Anderson via their mom, Julie Anderson. Hope y'all enjoy this one. If it elicits at least one giggle, it was worth the effort.  ~  JH

"MARIO'S SLIMY PANTS"

Mario sat sneezing, without covering his nose.

Now he's covered in snot from his knees to his toes.

Mario ate a sandwich, peanut butter and jelly.

But he dropped a big glop just below his big belly.

Mario made friends with a slug he called Cap

Now there's glistening trails all over Mario's lap.

Mario would like to change, if given the chance

For he finds that he's now wearing quite slimy pants!