A Literal Interpretation Of Notorious B.I.G.'s "Big Poppa"

Here's another literal interpretation of a popular hip-hop song. Two things I took away from this one. First, the lyrics of the song, even sanitized as it is here, are still rife with debauchery. And second, the "message" of mainstream hip-hop – acquiring wealth by whatever means necessary and spending it on frivolous and extravagant things – hasn't changed a whole heckuva lot in the past 20+ years. Sad! That being said, I hope this is good for a laugh or two. Enjoy!  ~  JH

"BIG POPPA" by Notorious B.I.G.

Intro:

Uh, uh, pay attention

Junior M.A.F.I.A., uh, um

(I enjoy this, yes)

Uh, yes, 1994

Verse 1:

To all the ladies in attendance who possess style and grace

Allow me to thread these lyrical cleansing products in your shrubbery.

Who excels at music and makes passes at all the mothers?

In the back of the night club, sipping on spirits, is where I can be found.

In the back of the night club, making passes at prostitutes, my associates flanking me.

I'm asking a lot of questions, passing a marijuana joint, playing my music loudly.

But I am unable to stop.

Because Biggie desires to sneak around stealthily with one of these ladies.

Take a nap with her, keep the episode a secret – why not?

Why mess up my plans, because we both became angry?

Now, listen – I have more ability to charm the ladies than Craig Mack.

And in the bed? Believe me, Sweetie, I am capable of stopping world hunger.

There is no need to be greedy – I have angry friends who drive Mercedes Benz vehicles.

I have numerous $100 bills – we are true opponents of monogamy.

Jump in your Range Rover and drive here.

Tell your friends to jump in their Lexus GS3's.

I have massive quantities of marijuana.

Chorus:

(I enjoy it when you call me Large Father)

Extend your hands above your head

If you truly oppose monogamy.

(I enjoy it when you call me Large Father)

To the ladies receiving money

Deceiving African-Americans as though they were idiots.

(I enjoy it when you call me Large Father)

If you are carrying a firearm in a waist holster

Please do not fire it at will.

Because I see some women here this evening

Who should be the mothers of my children.

Children!

Verse 2:

Truthfully, dearest – actually I'm inquiring

Most of these African-Americans think they are charming the ladies

But they are merely playing a role.

Who are they attracting with pickup lines such as:

"What is your name? What is your astrological sign?"

As soon as he purchases the wine, I simply creep up from behind

And ask you what your interests are

And whether or not you are currently in a relationship.

Things to make you smile. My phone number.

Are you planning on staying for awhile?

I will place a telephone call to my associates.

You place a telephone call to your associates.

We can all meet at the bar around 2 o'clock.

We will make plans to leave.

I will hand my keys over to my friend, Lil Cease.

He will pull the truck up front.

We will roll another marijuana joint

So that we can smoke it on the way to the hotel.

I am hungry.

I will eat a T-bone steak, cheese, eggs, and Welch's grape juice.

We will converse for several minutes prior to doing

What we came here to do. Isn't that correct, Boo?  (True.)

Forget about the hotel. Let's go to my place instead.

We can watch a movie in the jacuzzi while smoking marijuana joints

And engaging in illicit sexual activity.

Chorus:

(I enjoy it when you call me Large Father)

Extend your hands above your head

If you truly oppose monogamy.

(I enjoy it when you call me Large Father)

To the ladies receiving money

Deceiving African-Americans as though they were idiots.

(I enjoy it when you call me Large Father)

If you are carrying a firearm in a waist holster

Please do not fire it at will.

Because I see some women here this evening

Who should be the mothers of my children.

Children!

Verse 3:

(How are you living, Biggie Smalls?)

In a mansion. I drive a Mercedes Benz.

Giving my friends money makes me feel terrific.

I have so much money – forget "a dollar and a dream." (What?)

I still carry firearms equipped with infrared beams.

I chop up cocaine by the ounce.

I smoke cigars filled with marijuana.

I have money, promiscuous women, and fancy clothing –

Everything an African-American is aware of.

A foolish pleasure? Whatever.

I had to find a way to make money.

So I was forced to sell drugs.

However, now my standard of living has dramatically improved

As evidenced by the Gucci sweater that I am now wearing.

Look at my convertible BMW – I am superior, Woman!

(Dearest, listen, listen!)

Encourage your friends to meet up with my friends

And we can all become mutual friends.

We can associate with each other every weekend. (That is correct.)

All right? Is that all right with you?

Yes…carry on.

Chorus:

(I enjoy it when you call me Large Father)

Extend your hands above your head

If you truly oppose monogamy.

(I enjoy it when you call me Large Father)

To the ladies receiving money

Deceiving African-Americans as though they were idiots.

(I enjoy it when you call me Large Father)

If you are carrying a firearm in a waist holster

Please do not fire it at will.

Because I see some women here this evening

Who should be the mothers of my children.

Children!

Outro:

Uh, pay attention.

My full repertoire

For that posterior.

Uh, Puff Daddy

Biggie Smalls

Junior M.A.F.I.A.

Represent, infant, infant!

Uh!

A Literal Interpretation of Iggy Azalea's "Fancy"

I did a few of these "literal interpretations" of popular songs (mostly mainstream hip-hop) awhile back, and they were extremely well-received. So I decided to do some more. This is the first in what will be several of them, hopefully. It's all done in fun, of course, but when you closely examine the lyrics, you realize how much depth song lyrics actually have...or don't, in some cases. Enjoy!  ~  JH

NOTE: Link to the original lyrics for a side-by-side comparison here.

VERSE 1 (Iggy Azalea):

First things first, I'm the most sincere (most sincere).

I release this song so that the whole word may experience it (may they experience it).

And I am still in the business of murder

I could suppress you, as though I were a physics teacher. (Correct, correct)

You should desire a naughty female dog like me. (What?)

Lower it and lift it up again just like I am doing. (Yes)

One cup each of three different alcoholic beverages.

High-heeled shoes, something valued at half a ticket is on my wrist (on my wrist).

I drink my liquor straight, no chaser (never).

This rooftop is a retrospective nod to the year 1988. (what?)

Bring in the memorable chorus, where is the bass?

I spilled some champagne, you should taste it.

CHORUS (Charli XCX):

I am so fashionable

As you are already aware.

I am driving in the fast lane

From Los Angeles to Tokyo.

I am so fashionable.

Can you taste my gold jewelry?

Remember my name.

I am about to expel air.

VERSE 2 (Iggy):

I said, "Infant, I am doing this, I thought that you were aware."

I cannot tolerate detractors, and honestly, the truth is

My skill at rapping is ridiculous, they say this, then leave.

My fashion sense is excellent, I do not shop at department stores.

I prefer to be paid in a timely fashion, otherwise my credit card may be declined.

I swear, I was so sincere in the previous line that I have decided to repeat it.

I prefer to be paid in a timely fashion, otherwise my credit card may be declined.

I cannot be anxious about detractors, I must stay the course.

Now tell me, who is that, who is that? That does that, that does that?

Who places money above everything else, I thought you were aware, were aware.

My name is spelled I-G-G-Y, please place my name in boldface letters.

I have been working, so now I have some money to spend.

CHORUS (Charli):

I am so fashionable

As you are already aware.

I am driving in the fast lane

From Los Angeles to Tokyo.

I am so fashionable.

Can you taste my gold jewelry?

Remember my name.

I am about to expel air.

BRIDGE (Charli):

Destroy the hotel room.

Let's become intoxicated on alcoholic beverages from the mini bar.

Call someone on the telephone.

I truly enjoy self-indulgence.

Yes, continue to cause a ruckus.

Swinging from chandeliers, we do not care.

Film star, yes I am luxurious.

Classic, expensive, you may not touch me.

Ouch…

VERSE 3 (Iggy):

I am still acting up, don't you love that about me?

I have the entire world asking how I do that.

I am a warm female, take your hands off me, don't touch me.

Look at me, I'll bet you wish that you could grope me.

I am exactly your type, am I not?

You are so adept, you wish that you could bite me, is that right?

I never refuse anything.

I am murdering these garden tools, my handgun has a golden trigger.

CHORUS (Charli):

I am so fashionable

As you already aware.

I am driving in the fast lane

From Los Angeles to Tokyo.

I am so fashionable.

Can you taste my gold jewelry?

Remember my name.

I am about to expel air.

OUTRO (Iggy):

Who is that, who is that?

I-G-G-Y.

That does that, that does that?

I-G-G-Y.

Who is that, who is that?

I-G-G-Y.

Expel air.

Who is that, who is that?

I-G-G-Y.

That does that, that does that?

I-G-G-Y.

Expel air.

Interesting Quotes By People Who'd Be 100 Years Old This Year…If They Weren't Already Dead

1)  "Knock the 't' off the 'can't.'"  ~  George Reeves, actor

2)  "No one owns life, but anyone who can pick up a frying pan owns death."  ~  William S. Burroughs, writer


3)  "War is fear cloaked in courage."  ~  William Westmoreland, Army general


4)  "Life is a tragedy full of joy."  ~  Bernard Malamud, writer


5)  "Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die."  ~  Joe Louis, boxer


6)  "When people are smiling, they are most receptive to almost anything you want to teach them."  ~  Allen Funt, entertainer


7)  "Do not go gentle into that good night, but rage, rage against the dying of the light."  ~  Dylan Thomas, poet


8)  "A person always doing his or her best becomes a natural leader, just by example."  ~  Joe DiMaggio, baseball player


9)  "When I die, I hope they don't cremate me, 'cuz I'll burn forever."  ~  Harry Caray, broadcaster


10)  "Life is to be lived, not controlled, and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain defeat."  ~  Ralph Ellison, writer


11)  "Who is more foolish? The fool or the fool that follows it?"  ~  Alec Guinness, actor


12)  "I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant."  ~  Robert McCloskey, writer


13)  "Movies are a magician's forge; they allow you to build a story with your hands – at least, that's what it means to me. What attracts me in movies is to be presented with a problem and be able to solve it. Nothing else; just to create an illusion, an effect, with almost nothing."  ~  Mario Bava, film director


14)  "Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid."  ~  Hedy Lamarr, actress


15)  "Hope lies in dreams, in imagination, and in the courage of those who dare to make dreams into reality."  ~  Jonas Salk, scientist

Fascinating Photos Of Famous Folks With Their Favorite Felines

Probably one of the most iconic

photos of Ray Bradbury is of him 

and his black cat and his digital 

watch. (Ray's, not the cat's.)

I see Paris. I see a cat.

And that's all I care

to say about that.

 Even the King of Rock 'n' Roll knew 

the best way to relax is with a cat 

draped lazily around your shoulders.

 Morgan Freeman. With a cat

on his head. Need I say more?

 I wonder if he calls her "Clarice"?

Frankly, my dear, I wish you'd put me down.

Is that a cat in your pocket, 

or are you just happy to see me?

A young Christina Ricci looking

very Wednesday Addams here.

 Steeeellllaaaa! You missed

the litter box again!

 Look at those two wild and crazy guys!

 It doesn't get any posher than this.

 Purrfection.

 George Clooney, a cat, and a

teddy bear walked into a bar...

 The name's Cat. Sean's Cat.

 In between writing masterpieces 

of American literature, Mark Twain

was stroking this fluffy cat. 

 Is that a cat or a baby panther?

Hey, Frank Zappa, shut 

up and pet yer kitty!

 After adopting this raven-furred beauty,

I'll bet he did the "Carlton Dance."

 The resemblance is uncanny!

 Are you purring at me? 

Are YOU purring at ME?

 I guess all the towels were dirty...

 The Man in Black with the Cat in Orange.

 Smells like Friskies.

Michael J. Cat

 Don't like my cat? Forget you. And forget her too.

  Me-YOW!

Michael Jackson, when he was still black.

And his cat was still orange.

 Cat, I am your father.

16 Things Joan Rivers Said That Made Me Laugh

"I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes, 

and six months later you have to start all over again!"

"I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw 

that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

"The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it."

"I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die 

they will donate my body to Tupperware."

"Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. 

I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. 

I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on 

planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. 

To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day 

I was born, you know, about diapers or something."

"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, 

He would have put diamonds on the floor."

"My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him 

I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus 

– that way, I'd visit him every day."

"People say that money is not the key to happiness, 

but I always figured if you have enough money, 

you can have a key made."

"Thank God we're living in a country 

where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late, 

and you can shop in bed thanks to television."

"I have flabby thighs, but fortunately 

my stomach covers them."

"A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a

woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes, she's a tramp."

"Never floss with a stranger."

"I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my 

Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent."

"She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. 

She thought we just fought in World War Eleven."

"Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't 

make you nice. Hitler read history, too."

AND THIS ONE PRETTY MUCH SUMS IT UP...

"I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking."

Funny And Thought-Provoking Quotes By The Late, Great Robin Williams

One of my all-time favorite actors and comedians passed away yesterday. And yes, I would have counted him among my favorites if you'd asked me two days ago. In memory of Robin Williams, here's a collection of some of his most memorable quotes.  ~  JH

FUNNY QUOTES:

"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"

"I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you."

"Never pick a fight with an ugly person; they've got nothing to lose."

"We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins."

"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'"

"We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture."

"If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days."

"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs."

"Carpe per diem – seize the check."

"Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason."

"A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills – no, no. They'd make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while."

"Some are born great. Some achieve greatness. Some get it as a graduation gift."

"You know the difference between a tornado and a divorce in the South? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer."

"In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say, 'Stop, or I'll stay stop again.'"

"We're all worms, but I do believe I'm a glowworm."

"If you can remember the sixties, you weren't there."

THOUGHT-PROVOKING QUOTES:

"Stand-up is the place where you can do things that you could never do in public. Once you step on stage, you're licensed to do that. It's an understood relationship. You walk on stage – it's your job."

"No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world."

"You're only given one little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it."

"What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong."

"Comedy is acting out optimism."

"In America, they really do mythologize people when they die."

"I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone – it's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel alone."

"You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren't paying attention to."

"Death is nature's way of saying, 'Your table is ready.'"

"You know what music is? God's little reminder that there's something else besides us in this universe; harmonic connection between all living beings, everywhere, even the stars."

"Nobody takes a picture of something they want to forget."

"I believe in destiny. There must be a reason that I am as I am. There must be."

"Only in their dreams can men be truly free. It was always thus and always thus will be."

"You have this idea that you'd better keep working, otherwise people will forget. And that was dangerous."

"There is still a lot to learn, and there is always great stuff out there. Even mistakes can be wonderful."

"It's a wonderful feeling when your father becomes not a god but a man to you – when he comes down from the mountain and you see he's this man with weaknesses. And you love him as this whole being, not as a figurehead."

"The only weapon we have is comedy."

"The brightest light has gone out."

Yes, it has, Robin.  R.I.P.